A week of pain

Tonight is my first night back to work from home. Why? Well I managed to get sick over the course of my weekend and I faced such pain that I think just comes next to child birth.

So what did I have? Well it wasn't the flu, or a cold, or anything remotely close to that the majority of it was physical pain that I had no idea what was causing it. Well an infection of some kind over took my HEAD! Yeah of all things and infection that caused for my head to hurt to the point where I was praying for decapitation. (It was that bad) You know I figured that maybe I could live life without my head, I mean what do you need a head for, RIGHT? Okay so maybe it was the pain talking. But I called my mom crying one night because I could not stand the pain. And it started with what looked like a swollen lymph node and the pain radiated down my jaw. And I had two more sores on top of my head. (At this point no big deal but I went to the Doc. either way) I was given some antibiotics and they did not do much except maybe MAYBE slow down the rate that the infection spread around my head. By Tuesday I had a constant headache and physical pain that went around my right side wrapped through the back to the back of my head and into the back of my left ear. I could not lay down (on a pillow) without feeling the pain. I went through so much Tylenol the first couple of days. (and that did nothing for me)

So by Thursday morning the pain has just gotten unbearable and it's gotten to a point where I could not move my neck. I go back to the Doc. and she says that I have an infection and needed different antibiotics and some pain killer (odd effects) and since this was just two days ago I still do not know exactly what it is that I have. She also referred me to a specialist, which I will see on Monday.

Anyways I went through various stages of pain;
1) "ohh it hurts"
2) "Man it's gotten worse"
3) "Mom I can't stand the pain" **crying***
4) "God please stop the pain, no more pain"
5) "God what did I do wrong?, who did I wrong? What did I do to deserve this pain?"
6) "Doc please pain killers, I need sleep"

So yeah those were my 6 stages of pain in a time span of 4 days. Day 1 I hit the first three by nightfall. Yeah I might sound like a baby but I just don't know if I've ever felt so bad. It wasn't so much like an illness where you have a fever and your body is tired and you just need some rest so that you can get better, NO WAY, that would have been a field day compared to whatever it is that I have. I've been told cyst, staph infection, allergies, and I just don't see it being any of those. So I'm at work feeling a little better but still rather out of it. I think it was that constant headache that last until I was giving the Vicodin, & even then it only masked the pain of the headache and did not help but for a couple of hours. So anyways I see the specialist on Monday and hopefully I can get more answers to my questions.

Anyways on other news, Okay so there is no other news. Ohh yeah the Office is worried that it is contagious because it turns out that two of my co-workers had a staph infection in the last month, so now we are taking safety precautions here at work.


PurpleFuel

Election Day

Yes, election day here in Austin, TX. Well since I turned the "legal voting age" I have always made it my business to know what exactly it is that I stand for and make my vote count.

Well Today there is a great chance that many people will go out and voice their opinion's. And for this I applaud them. They have in their minds set to know exactly what to believe in and what to vote on, what is right and wrong. I was raised by a family that instilled great values and beliefs in me. They taught me to think for myself and not be bullied into believing what others tell me. Today is just that a day where many people will vote out of hypocrisy and selfishness and pure disgust. Disgust in a sense that people here in the land of the free and the land of opportunity WHERE ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL will do what they can to keep the American population but the American way of thinking about no one other then yourselves.

Now just to voice my opinion on this matter that can make me into a hypocrite no matter which way I decide to vote. I was raised believing in a religion, believing in God and that God did unselfishly create all men & women equal from the same sand, dirt, and bones. I was taught to not judge my fellow brothers and sisters on race, religion, sex, height, weight, looks, & trust me this list can go on forever. It is human nature to judge each other, that is given, but to not treat your brother with equality is absurd.

So I look at what I have been taught and think about it long and hard; The church (per several interpretations) teaches that to be gay is wrong, it's not the way of life. But yet the church also teaches me not to judge my brothers and sister it teaches me to be fair no matter what it is that sets me apart from everyone else. I can proudly say that I am a Catholic, and that I am a strong believer in my faith, God, and what I am taught in church.

Now my problem with the government; It says ALL MEN (people) ARE CREATED EQUAL. So be it we all are In Gods eyes created equally, but not in the eyes of the human man. Now here is the CONTRADICTION that I see in the Government. They tell me that I can not say the pledge of allegiance to MY COUNTRY because it says GOD. I can not pray in School, because it is religious and the almighty GOVERNMENT is too good for God. BUT when it comes to wanting your way, "well lets forget that I ever said that, I mean look it's morally wrong and disgustful to think that two men or women could be together much less get married because THE BIBLE SAYS SO " So let me see I can not pray to God to keep my nephews and niece's safe at school, I can not say the pledge of allegiance to my country at school because it is religious, but when you want to oppose something that you do not find morally correct YOU USE MY GOD AS AN EXCUSE TO GET YOUR WAY EVEN TOUGH IT DEALS WITH RELIGION AND NOT GOVERNMENT. Geeezzee that is a pathetic way of going about life isn't?

I mean do you really think God is going to judge you based on whether you are right or wrong, straight or gay, married or not, religious or political. NO! I may have never read the bible from beginning to end and I may have not always attended church but what I do know is that GOD is not going to judge you on your clothing, sexual preference, right or wrong, he will be judging you on how you helped the less fortunate, those in need of clothing, food, shoes. I believe that God is going to say, this is how you helped your brother, you fed him when he was hungry, you clothed him when he was naked, you gave him a helping hand when he asked for it.

So back to the government, WHY ARE YOU USING MY GOD, AS YOUR EXCUSE? that is my question, that is what I would like answered.

Purplefuel

A sudden onset of confusion just came across me, it is now 8:19 am and I just got off the phone with my mother, she asked if I was going out to vote and I had this same conversation with her. And yes she makes very valid points I can't seem to find my way through this confusion I strongly believe in what my religion has taught me, but at the same time I feel that no matter which way I go with this I'm being a hypocrite. You know I once called my dad crying while locked in my bedroom closet because my roommate was making a liar, a hypocrite out of me, by making me go along with her lies towards her parents. I told him that I could not take it anymore, seeing her parents that were nothing but genuine, nice, and respectful towards me and all I could do was go along with her lies, pretend that everything my roommate said was true. It hurt me to be put in that position and that is exactly how I feel right now, my religion says this, but then I was also taught that everyone is equal and deserves that equal chance. You see if I vote for Prop. 2 then I am a hypocrite to the gay community, and if I vote against it then I am a hypocrite to my religioun. And yet if I cast my vote for either, or then it could eaisly sway things. (and yes people say 1 vote doesn't really matter, but let's look at these last couple of elections tell me that again that 1 vote will not matter.) So what I am going to do is, since my night is just starting I am going to bed, and when I wake up I will decide if I will cast my vote or not. This is no longer a wrong or right vote for me, but rather a vote of self respect. It is one thing to ask me to decide between Red or Blue but a whole other thing to ask me to be a hypocrite not matter what choice I make.

PF

Marriage

I've been thinking about this lately and funny enough something’s have come up in these last couple of days that just push me to talk about it.

1) My sister-in-law talks to me about her family, and how they are ready to move into their new house and so on. It's amazing because she and I are about the same age (actually I'm 4 months Older) but anyways my brother who is (I’m not exactly sure on this) but 9 or 10 years older then her made a very valid point to her. She was crying one day and complaining about I don't know what and he mentioned to her to look at her life and figure out exactly how many 21 year olds (this was a while back) have what she has at the moment, new truck paid off, a new house, kids, husband and a great job that she enjoys. And she and I talked about this yesterday and I could not help but agree with what my brother said, I am 22 years old and have not come to terms with what I'm going to do with myself. Sure I have an Associate in Culinary Arts, I'm working on my Bachelors in Business but where exactly am I headed in my life.

2) I read a blog entry just a few moments ago and it had to deal with a 28 year old male who says he has always dreamt of getting married and having kids. And this I say is great; I mean anyone male or female that even dreams about this and can show face and say this is what I want in life I think is up for the biggest challenge in life. And you know marriage I don't think is the problem by all means I look forward to the day that I say "I do" but rather the challenge in finding the "right one". A friend of mine who is so high strung on wanting someone to settle down with can not even realize what he is doing wrong. He can tell me to the dot what he wants his wife to look like, act, do; he can even tell me what he would love for her to cook. Which is great he knows what he wants, but he will not even give a woman the time of day if she does not automatically meet his physical requirements. She could have all the right requirements except the hair color and he will dismiss her like yesterdays leftovers. Which if he is as high strung as he makes it out to be, then now at his age of 33+ (I will not give his exact age for many reasons) I don't feel that he has the luxury of expecting to find someone to his exact liking. I mean falling in love I don't think deals with what you want the other person to be like, but rather what you can make together that will complete yourself. It's a mutual relationship. Not what you two agree on, but rather how you solve the disagreement.

3) I have a brother that just made a change in his life, he was a corrections officer at a prison and made a drastic move to quit his job and move. Give it; he gave me and others in my family different reasons for doing what he did. But my argument was that he mentioned to me it was to tuff on him to come home and be treating his own kids like inmates. Yes I do agree that he should NOT do this to his children, but what I mentioned to him is that if his wife is noticing this in him why is she not stepping in and saying "take a walk cool down". I told him that in a marriage it is to help make each other a better person, not who is in charge.

So anyways what is tearing at me is that I feel as though I don't know where I'm headed in my life. And most people say your only 22 don't worry, you have your whole life ahead of you. And I think about that but they don't know if I do or don't have my whole life ahead of me. My senior year in High school I attended 3 funerals. 1) 17 year old female friend of ours died of Leukemia, 2)19 year old male friend of ours died of and epilepsy attack while he was asleep, 3) uncle died of a massive heart attack. So I'm trying to figure out why I am being told that I have my whole life ahead of me if no one knows that. I want to make the most of my life right now that I'm young and am alive & well. I am at a job (that God knows I love) but as I've complained in past posts I have no life. I don't get to see my friends, I don't get to go out (be it to a club or to play pool, or a game). I have changed so much that I do not feel as though I am 22 years old. That may be my reason for feeling lonely or depressed or whatever the feeling may be but I feel as though I am 30+ years and I never had the chance to live my life. And I want to, but with this job and school part-time I don't think I will ever have that chance. It's not so much that people say you have your life ahead of you slow down. It's that I feel that my life as it stands now will be like this for the next... oh lets say at least 3-4 years, and then what I don't know if in those 3-4 years I get married or have kids or do something else and never have the chance to live a young single life. And what I find even weirder of this whole situation is that I want to have a meaningful relationship with someone that cares about me as much as I do them I would love nothing more then to take the next step in my life and have a family. But with this job I can not even manage to go out and meet my current friends, much less men. My last real date was over a year ago.

So I'm not angry because I can't live a young and eventful life that I've had. I have had my fair share of parties, clubs, etc. I'm angry and confused because I can not seem to get myself out of a rut to at least have some time with friends, family, meeting new people.



PurpleFuel