Believe

Why is it that when I say that I am going to do something most people do not consider that fact that I am be 100% honest. I mean, I have told so many individuals that I am concentrating on myself this summer. I'm going to make things better for me, so that when I have all my "shit" together I can then focus on others, I can focus a part of my attention and helping someone else, because there are so many sayings that I have heard and just a couple but "you can only help others, when you help yourself" not because one is selfish, but because you can't do a damn thing when you have nothing to give. First and for most I am focusing on my health. I am working to make things better for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. If one does not have these then how do you expect to help someone else. And I may have some of you questioning "can you really make a difference". Well to be honest, Yes I can, and I will!

Not to long ago I was asked by a friend of mine that were talking about fate, chance, futures, ect. and he asked if I thought I had served my purpose in life. Well I had answered that I do not believe I have yet encountered or been faced with my purpose in life. And he was Surprised because he feels that no one knows what exactly there purpose in life is or will ever know, as a matter a fact that it all works because of choices we make, but you know what yes we make our own choices and we get to where we are because of those choices but don't forget that make choices that will help or get you somewhere in the long run, and if you make a choice that will only hurt you, what makes you believe that, that choice wasn't your sole purpose in life.

I hate to say this but I think it's true that one person dyeing of cancer or of drug overdose will help at least one other to make a different choice. I choose not to do drugs because they have hurt my family, I choose to not let anyone change my belief's, not just because I'm stubborn, but because I feel that I am a very responsible, moral, and educated person. All those times that I got into trouble when I was a teenager as a child or whatever have brought me to where I am today. My mistakes in my past have put me where I'm at, one bad thing led to a better thing, it is true when 1 door closes a window opens.

Well I have had so many doors close on me before, a friend of ours (my high school graduating class) passed away when we were Seniors in high school, she died from cancer, but she during her toughest time in life while on her death bed, she taught us to think of others and help each other. Her purpose I believe in life was to teach so many of us that we must learn to dance. She dedicated LeeAnn Womacks song "I hope you dance" to our class, she prepared her own funeral, she wanted everything done in a certain way and left us a message that even today almost five years later I still remember, and several others of our friends. I've spoken to a few that agree with me, they know that she made a difference in our lives and though it hurt us to see her go, she is still here she is in that message that she left us. She is alive in all the choices that we make to help each other, and others. I know that I have been a stronger person because of her, I know that I still have not served my purpose in life, because when you do, you will know.

My friend said that he would always get the answer, "I think my purpose in life has probably already passed and I had no idea what it was", or "I probably fucked up and will not get to live out my purpose in life". Well I know my friend all to well, he is not one that makes the right choices all the time, he is a selfish guy and he may argue that he is not, but when it is yourself and you are so close minded you don't see things from others perspectives. He is constantly asking me to join him in smoking weed, or getting drunk, or to put myself above others. He is a very intelligent man and wishes to one day be president of the USA of a, but his first action would be to legalize marijuana, I'm sure his intelligence could be better spent doing something else, and the reason he is still my friend above all the things that he asks me to do, is because he has a good heart, bad judgment half the time, but a good HEART. He may act like a jerk about 99% of the time but when it boils down to emotional value, he is worth a million bucks.

Well I don't do drugs, I don't get drunk, and sure as hell don't put myself above others. I would never belittle someone just to make myself feel better. I was raised to respect others, and respect myself and I do exactly that. If today I am thinking of myself, it's because tomorrow I will be better armed to help someone else. It takes time, effort, health, and money to be able to put yourself out there and help your neighbor.

It's funny because I was watching a news cast about the One campaign that even I am supporting, and the first question asked to George Clooney was something along the lines of, are you doing this because this gives you a source of publicity. Why is it that a one just because he/she makes money, is successful, is well known, is thought to only think of themselves. Why? Just because they are already very successful, why can't they start to help and think of someone else. They have fulfilled their dreams, they are living their dreams, why can they not help someone else to live their dreams. The headline is "Can celebrities save the world?" well if these newscasters were to stop trying themselves to gain publicity, and stop trying to gain ratings and realize that the one campaign is not about celebrities saving the world, it's about the fortunate helping the less fortunate. This one campaign is way of us ALL uniting as ONE and requesting the assistance of the most powerful people on EARTH to help those that are not so powerful. If anything the celebrities are realizing that through them they can raise awareness on issues that plague us today. People will not listen to a poor man standing in the corner of the road, but say the exact same words from a person with money and a person with power then you will get some work done.

You know, when one of our officers at work wants to see some changes or something take effect at our work, they do not go to the Cheif, they go to the Lt. Because coming from the Lt. It sounds more effective, then it coming from a Peace Officer. And no it is not just a one time deal, you have to push the idea, you have to grab him by the shirt and say "hey listen, I have done my research, I have put made a strategic plan and have ideas, plans, and fall backs, this will work." prove to the person above you that it will work and if it doesn't then this, and then have them move it up the line of command. And that is exactly what the celebrities are doing, someone did their research, had an idea, made the plans, has back ups, and moved up along the chain of command.

Irony...

...The Irony in many different situations. And don't start to think that I'm one of those weirdos that looks into every little thing that happens in life.

I just find it funny how a coincidence can happen in more than one way.

Well let me explain, Yesterday I'm dreaming really weird dreams, (as you could tell from my previous post), and well since I work nights I record some evening television shows that I watch after I get home from work. Well among the ones that I record on Wednesdays is Stacked, with Pamela Anderson. (mainly because it falls between "That 70's Show" and "The Inside" and So I was watching the show and that episode was centered around "dreams" and what they mean. IRONIC! NO? Well I thought so, it was such an odd coincidence.



Well a friend came by the house today after I woke up and brought a movie for us to watch. It was "Assult on Precint 13" with Ethan Hawke. And in the Movie John Leguizamo has a line that went somewhere along the lines of "there is no fucking thing as a "coincidence" it is bullshit this is not a coincidence" Well it made me think about the "coincidence" that I had just yesterday.


So I'm asking is there such a think as a coincidence, because if they producers of Stacked knew about my dreams ahead of time and aired this show to prove something to me, well damn, I'm just a little more freaked at the fact that there is someone out there can read my mind and more so do it before I'v even thaught it, It is CRAZY!!!

Well is it a coincidence, I THINK SO!!!

Dreams...

...What do they mean?

Well...
1) they tell you something about what is going on in your life.
2) they tell you something you want to know.
3) they can really screw with your mind.
4) they never really have a clear meaning
5) and the interpretation is completely based on you.

...So why try to understand your dreams! If at the end you are the one that is going to make the final interpretation about what it means, then your just going to get the answer you want. Well this morning as I was sleeping (since I work nights) I had so many dreams. 1) was about Johnny Knoxville and well that only happened because I was watching a movie that co-starred him, before I went to bed, that was a given. But later a friend woke me up by texting me, so I go about answering his questions all while sending the same ending "still asleep", and just because he is bored, he does not stop. So he finally asks "is that all you can say, "Sorry, still asleep" and I respond with a "yup". Well during this whole time I keep dozing off and dreaming in between. Then he finally stops about an hour later and I sleep for another 2 hours before he texts me again. And so I finally get up and shower.
So I go about telling him about my dreams.
1) Johnny Knoxville, Helping him with I don't remember what, but at the end I ended up hurt and in the hospital. (that is all I remember)

2) I was in a theater of some sort watching a show (not a movie) and from out of nowhere so many people come in, enough to cover the outside edges of the seats and box us in. Well we had some sort of "light sabers" (I do not watch Star Wars for that matter, I've been wanting to but have not yet had the chance to fully get into them) but anyways they were similar but we had to light up the ends with lighters because that was they only way these people would die. Well they managed to kill most of us, and I ended up liking one of the guys that was killing us, and he let me go, he let me live. And so I left but I came back twice for some friends, and the third time he got fed up and killed me. (Crazy I know)

3) The third dream that I can remember was about a group of people and we were doing a summer tour somewhere with some little kids. And just out of the blue it starts to snow (a snow storm) in the middle of the summer. (I'm telling you crazy) And so all of a sudden we all have skates on and I'm the one put in charge to get everyone to safety because I'm the only one that has seen snow. But I don't know how to skate (all though in real life I hold my own), so when I'm telling everyone to get inside and try to get them to somewhere safe I get hit by a car.


Weird...

So I'm telling my friend about this and he comes up with in all the dreams your getting **c*ed. And I'm thinking "what" well he said that in every dream I'm helping someone and at the end I get hurt or killed. Well yes this is true, but I came up with my purpose in life was to help someone and that's it, that's the end of my life. I have served my purpose. But anyways I don't think I'll know until it happens. Right?

Laterz,
PurpleFuel

Me, Myself, and I

Yes, I am no longer going to put my life to revolve around those so close to me (literally). I am going to work on focusing my life on myself. I need to get to feeling the way that I did four years ago, before I left home, before I put on my college weight, before I had so many responsibilities. I am 22 years old and live the life of a 30 year old single female living in a big city. I don't spend my weekends (Sunday, Monday & Tuesday's) doing things I like to do, but instead I do other stuff, things that are to productive in work or in laziness for that matter. Those weekends are OVER!!!

I mad mention of this to a friend of mine earlier in the month and I don't know if he took me seriously, but I figure that in order for me to help others I must first be able to help myself. I can't do much if I'm in a coffin, or laying around watching movies, or spending the majority of my time at work or school. I'm going to take the time that I have right now to finish school, and work along the way, but my free time will be spent on myself. That is my goal for the rest of this year, I will focus on the aspects of my life that will make me feel 100% sure and happy with myself, and my future. I will put away the petty offenses from my co-worker, from my backstabbing friends, looking for a significant other, or pursuing a hopeless romantic life. I know that God will give me all of this when the time comes but for now I will focus on my studies, my health, and my family.

SIGH OF RELIEF...

...For my Family that is. So get this I'm doing some odd searches on the net for images for this site and I decided to let you all know one more thing about me... I LOVE MICKEY MOUSE ... Well that is one thing that my family knows about me, but others may not. Yes I know that I am 22 years old and growing, but that does not mean your inner child has to grow as well. It is a good thing to always have that inner child. And mine will never let go of Mickey Mouse.

So I'm doing some searches on Mickey Mouse and come across the link that say other similar searches, I click on it and to my surprise I see so many other searches where I could find numerous other images. So I'm going through them and find so many cute little things and then realize that there is one called Mickey Mouse Wedding. And I am not in a relationship at the moment, not engaged but decide what cute things I could find. So I come to realize that there are so many things for actual weddings. Well this gets me thinking, "I want to have a Mickey Mouse & Lavender teemed wedding".

So in this if you are family I'm just letting you know that you can be assured that I will not elope, I am now going to make sure that I have a proper wedding only so that I can make it that theme. And I will admit this is my spoiled side speaking but I have every right to do so. I admit I have always been spoiled and I have just about always gotten what I wanted (I'm the baby in my family) but I have to admit I have always worked for it as well.

Laterz
PurpleFuel

P.S. My future fiancee will probably not be happy with either the theme or the price. But hey if I have to pay for it myself I WILL!!!

SLEEP!!!!!

Okay so my friends take it upon themselves to just wake me as they please! Just Kidding, a friend called me today about 11 am to go watch a movie and I had agreed to this earlier in the week, so I fought with her for a while and finally said okay let me see what times the movie is playing. Well we had decided on "The Longest Yard" and can I say AAAAA+++++++, this is a great movie, esp. If you are a football fan, wrestling fan, Adam Sandler fan, Chris Rock fan, it honestly catches various target markets simply because of the variety that it provides and it is HILARIOUS!! I am without a shadow of a doubt going to buy this movie when it comes out on DVD.

(FYI, I'm going to make an attempt to post and link the poster to any show or movie that I mention on this site)
So just a note I enjoyed this movie very much!

On another note, I hope that my situation from my "my venting" entry is being taken care of, it is very difficult to get my Supervisor to listen to exactly what it is that I am saying, and for that matter seeing this for what It has come off as, a personal attack on my job. He does not think so, but he does not know all of the events leading to why I believe this. So I said if he needing proof I could go through all of our logs and pin point up to the approximate time that he has made such comments. But anyways enough of that.

I think that is if for now I will be back if more arises.

Purplefuel

Moods...

So I just arrived at work a couple of hours and when I arrived I was in such a good mood. I was running around getting things done and mocking my text messaging ringer. (mickey mouse) I was in such a good mood and then I go through my mail box and realize that I'VE GOT MAIL!!
So I start going through my mailbox and I've gotten some avon books, St. Eds Magazine and other mail. Well I go through the Avon books first, then my e-mail and then the St. Eds magazine and while reading the magazine I realize that there are so many of my friends in there, stating their accomplishments, current graduates, and future plans. Some have already been accepeted to prosperous jobs, and a future full of adventure and I start to realize that for myself I'm stuck here, I should be graduating this year. And don't get me wrong I love my job, I love living here in Austin but I feel that there is so much more I can do, so much more to see and yet I have to work to pay for rent, bills and finish school. I feel that there is so much for me to do and yet I'm still here working a full time job, going to school and I just dropped down to part time student making my stay even longer until I finish school. I've have had thoughts about going back home.
And for some odd reason I've been watching so much more television lately, since I'm not taking summer classes, but one thing was I noticed several shows talking about death, funeral preparations, and moving on with your life. And I think about everything, I mean as far as death and funeral preps. I just wonder when I die where am I going to be barried, where will I be when I do pass away. And yes I know I'm only twenty two years old but I've worked in EMS, with a Fire department, Police department, hospital making rotations, I've seen so much death in the last few years of my life and most of them came unexpected. Of all the deaths I've seen only two were expected one was my grandmother who was 94 when she passed away, the other was a friend of mine who was only 17 at the time. She knew it was coming she was diagnosed with Leukimia, she made her own preparations for her funeral as did my grandmother. And one name I will mention is my friends Laurn (our friend that died from leukimia). She left a song dedicated to us that was played at the funeral held in our school auditorium, it was "I Hope You Dance" by LeeAnn Womack. And everytime I hear this song I begin tearing up. And I start to wonder have I been pushing myself to Dance as she wanted us to. Have I been making the most of my life. And I think about what I have done, and I have accomplished so much, but at the same time I want more options and I don't feel that I am as productive as I could be.
Another reason for my thinking in terms of "what am I doning with my life?" has to do with the movie "In Good Company" With Dennis Quaid, & Topher Grace. You see in this movie Tophers characte "Carter" learns from Dennis's character "Dan " that you should love the work your doing, and truly believe in it, no just to make the sell but because it will eventually help someone else.


And I feel that this, NO I KNOW, that this is not the job I want for the rest of my life. I want to move on. I don't want to be stuck any more, but I know that If I move back home chances are that I won't finish what I started and I won't get to move foward. Some might say otherwise, but I know myself. I'll stop myself for one reason or another, and that is not what I want to do. You know I've considered moving to New York, or California or Florida even. Just away but first I want to finish my degree, then see where to go, or where i'm meant to go.

PurpleFuel